Genderqueer daters say dating apps limit their experience
Some transgender and genderqueer people feel dating apps try to fit them into categories where they don’t belong. As a result, they say, they don’t feel welcomed and have limited dating experience.
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Logos of the most prominent dating apps: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Grindr, OkCupid, Match.com
I. Simplicity of matching algorithms does not work for all users
It’s quick and easy to fill out a profile on a dating app to start meeting people: one and a half to three minutes. That’s because dating apps distill human relationships to a set of short questions – age, gender, sexuality, distance — and simplify choice-making to swipes left for “no” or right for “yes.”
But, for people whose gender is not the same as the sex assigned to them at birth, the simplicity of a binary choice can be complicated.
Some transgender and genderqueer users find that matching algorithms of prominent dating applications, such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and Badoo, constrain their dating experiences. Most dating apps have expanded the list of choices by which people can identify themselves, but still use only two gender categories for matching purposes, asking users if they want to appear on search as a man or a woman.
“It feels very limiting and isolating,” said Jovan Salagan, 38, a transgender man and advocate for the rights of transgender people in Los Angeles. “I don’t feel like it was made for me.”
Twelve percent of Americans aged 18 to 34 identify as transgender or genderqueer, according to a 2017 report from GLAAD, a nonprofit that promotes LGBTQ awareness.
Yet, most dating apps ask all their users if they want to look for either women or men, and in which of these two search categories they want to appear.
“Human beings are nuanced,” said Caitlin MacLeod, a communications coordinator at the University of Toronto who has studied the construct of gender identity on Tinder and Bumble. “When it is simple, people get left out.”
Putting people who experience gender differently into just two gender categories hurts users’ ability to focus their searches on those they are interested in, said MacLeod. Some transgender and genderqueer people say these limitations result in them being rejected more often than cisgender users and even being blocked from the platforms. They say these limitations make it harder for them to use apps effectively and make meaningful connections with other people.
Transgender users say that these apps promote heteronormativity, a belief that relationships between cisgender men and women are the only norm. They believe that the apps would become more effective if matching algorithms would stop putting gender-expansive people in categories they don’t belong to and allow all users to choose the gender of their potential match the same way they choose their own identity.
II. Gender expansive people still have to fit in man-woman categories
Some prominent dating apps have attempted to become inclusive of gender-expansive people by expanding the list of gender identities. However, transgender and genderqueer users say the changes didn’t go far enough to meet their needs and improve their dating experiences.
Tinder was among the first apps to allow its users to properly identify their gender, introducing the “More Genders” feature in November 2016.
Jovan Salagan participated in a focus group when Tinder was about to introduce the new gender identity options. One of his concerns was the searching algorithm that organizes users only in “men” and “women” groups.
Questionnaires require users who identify neither as men nor as women to choose if they would like to be shown to people who search for men, or to people who search for women. Apps also allow users to look only for “women,” “men,” or “everyone” (“both” on Tinder).
Salagan told Tinder developers that dividing users into just two categories would confuse transgender and genderqueer users and limit their experience. He argued that dating apps should let people not only identify by more genders, but be searched by them as well. But he says Tinder developers did not adopt his suggestion.
“It’s stupid,” said Salagan, who felt the two categories didn’t fit him as a transgender man. “I don't want to be put in a category – I am a man, or I am a woman? Either way doesn't make any sense.”
MacLeod agrees. People who may not be either of those categories are mixed in between, she said. “Because in the app, even though the self-labeling tools are there, the actual way the app is sorting people hasn’t changed.”
Now, Tinder, Bumble and Hinge allow users choose from more than 50 options of gender identity when filling out their profiles. Besides “transgender,” “non-binary,” and “gender non-conforming,” users can choose identities such as “agender,” “third gender,” and “polygender.”
“Our goal is to provide a product that gives our transgender and gender non-conforming users a better experience on Tinder,” said then-CEO of Tinder Sean Rad in a press release from November 2016 about the introduction of “More Genders” feature. “We’re really excited about the update and believe it is the right step to take as a company to create a more meaningful connections between all of our users. Everyone is welcome on Tinder.”
But Salagan has tried Tinder, Bumble and Hinge and found all of them to be “very binary.”
“It was frustrating to have to put a gender down after saying that I am non-binary,” said Alex, 19, an OkCupid user, who tried Tinder but gave up on it. Alex identifies as transmasculine nonbinary, a person who was assigned female sex at birth but prefers to identify with the masculine side of the gender spectrum, and has said so in dating profiles. (Alex declined to be identified by last name, fearing that going public with his identity might make him vulnerable to hate crime.) “I’ve actually been getting matched with a lot of straight men, even though I don’t identify as a woman. It’s a big turn off when guys keep calling me ‘she’ despite my profile.”
Bumble, among other big dating apps, allows users to search only for "men," "women," or "everyone (both)" / Screenshot of the Bumble page
Dating apps such as Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, now allow users to choose their gender identity from more than 50 options. / Screenshot of Hinge page
III. Consequences of only two categories
Mixing together cisgender, transgender and genderqueer people on the searching results creates confusion for all daters. It also results in some people abusing the functions of the dating apps.
Asking users if they want to be categorized as women or men normalizes being a cisgender user at the expense of others, said MacLeod.
“I think there is a problem when the experience of a user on the app is positioning someone else as being incorrect or in violation of some sort of norm,” she said. “And that's just setting users up for failure and unfair reporting.”
In her research, MacLeod argued that these restrictions posed by the apps, and assumptions about how gender is experienced, guide users to make judgments about strangers in the app who don’t fit the site’s categories.
Tinder, Bumble and Hinge allow people to anonymously report and block any user they think might be violating rules of the app. Stolen photos, inappropriate profiles or dialogs, and fake profiles are among reasons to block someone from the app. Users can also choose the “other” option and explain their reasons.
Diana Gorbunova, 32, a transgender woman, said in an interview that her close friend, also a transgender woman, was blocked on Tinder. A user reported that she’d appeared in searches of people who were looking “for women without penises,” Gorbunova said.
Several other transgender people, contacted on Grindr and who preferred to stay anonymous, said that they cannot use Tinder anymore because their profiles have been blocked. They believe that other users reported them when they found out that the site had matched them with a transgender person, not cisgender.
“I’ve had my account blocked twice in a week now for no apparent reason other than that straight men love to report trans women,” Jes Fucumi, a trans person, commented in response to Bumble’s October 2018 tweet about the apps’ support of transgender and genderqueer people.
Dating app companies say that one reason they have expanded gender identity options was to discourage users from reporting and blocking transgender people on the app.
“No one will ever be banned from Tinder because of their gender,” reads a November 2016 Tinder blog post on the introduction of new gender options. “We haven’t had the right tools to serve our diverse community in the past, but that changes today.”
Tinder also announced that it would put more resources into educating staff, “to be a better ally to transgender and gender non-conforming communities,” according to the blog post.
However, apps still show transgender women to people who might be searching for cisgender women, and they show transgender men to those in search of cisgender men only. Transgender people say that it results in other users reporting and blocking their profiles. They think the apps could prevent it if they added an option for users to be searched as transgender people and not be mixed with users of other genders.
“My harmless, #transgender tinder profile has been flagged/removed over 6X! Way to be inclusive Tinder,” Kyler O’Neal, a transgender woman, commented on a tweet from Tinder in June 2019. Tinder had tweeted a link to a blog post on how to diversify dating experiences by meeting people of various genders and sexual orientations.
Elie Seidman, CEO of Tinder, acknowledged in a blog post this November that Tinder keeps blocking transgender people, despite its attempt to be inclusive of all genders. She listed several ways the app is trying to improve. Tinder now asks users to elaborate on which community guideline a reported person has violated and redirects such reports to an “escalations team,” which will read through the complaint and decide whether to block a user or not.
“Since implementing these changes, we’ve been able to meaningfully increase the number of trans people who remain on Tinder despite unwarranted reports,” wrote Seidman. “I’m encouraged by the progress we’ve made, and am dedicated to continuing our assessment and refinement of Tinder’s reporting structure.”
IV. Need to fit in two categories is even more confusing for non-binary people
Genderqueer people’s identity does not fit into the standard man-woman division and could combine both, or include neither, or change from one to another over time. Because of that, some genderqueer people find it even more inconvenient to use dating apps.
Waldo Gloria Strange, 30, a massage therapist from Washington, D.C., first questioned her gender identity after watching Cassie Jay’s documentary, “The Red Pill,” three years ago. The movie about the men’s rights movement and toxic stereotypes of manhood and masculinity made Strange, a man at birth, question her identity.
She says that men in modern society are seen as “emotionless, angry sex monsters.” Strange thinks of herself as an emotional person and says that she has never been driven by anger. She decided that she did not want to be associated with any of those traits.
First, she decided to use any pronoun – he, she, or they. But later she narrowed it down to only two of them – she and they. Three years later, she is still exploring her gender identity. Strange is “somewhere under a non-binary umbrella,” she said.
The transition brought Strange a lot of inconveniences, from body dysmorphia (strong stress and anxiety caused by dissatisfaction with one’s body) to acceptance by society. Stereotypes learned from childhood made her coming-out feel illogical and caused mental discomfort.
“I like having a mustache and I like being called by she/her pronouns,” Strange said. “I don't feel I'm being logical, but this is what I want my life to be. Unfortunately, just because the person loves me and cares about me, it doesn't mean that that's something that they're just going to automatically accept only because they accept me.”
Transition affected not only Strange’s relationships with friends and family, but brought a lot of confusion into her experience of meeting new people, especially online dating. She says that her experience with dating apps is “frustrating.”
She is interested in meeting people of any gender identity and sexuality. Therefore, she tried to appear on searches both as a woman and as a man. The fact that she does not fit in any of these categories made it harder for her to get matches, she said.
Her online dating experience suggests that on Tinder, cisgender straight women and gay men that are searching for men find her to be not masculine enough. Women searching for women mostly see Strange more like a man and find her to be too masculine. All of them would swipe left on Strange because she is not what they expect.
“Just being in that space and getting so many left swipes,” said Strange, “I think that just pushed me down in the rankings to where nobody was really seeing my profile anymore.”
She thinks that allowing users to choose from more options than “men,” “women,” or “both” could have improved her dating experience. Then, she would’ve appeared only on the searches of users who are open to meeting nonbinary people, and she believes she would’ve been swiped right more often.
Strange has deleted the Tinder profile because she stopped getting any matches.
“It’s just not worth it,” she said.
Strange still keeps a profile on Bumble. However, a search using very limited parameters, such as men in the 30 to 32 age range, within five miles, who don’t drink and prefer dogs as pets, took almost 15 minutes of non-stop swiping to come across her profile.
Waldo Gloria Strange, a non-binary person, finds it especially inconvenient to use dating apps that ask her whether she wants to appear on a search as a woman, or as a man. / Screenshot of Strange's profile on Bumble
V. Genitals-oriented dating
The way that Tinder, Bumble and Hinge still put people of various genders in just two categories, men and women, reflects deeper problems in society, said Luckie Alexander, a transman and advocate for transgender rights.
Only half of surveyed Americans believe that the government needs to do a better job to protect the rights of transgender people, according to the 2017 “Global Attitudes Toward Transgender People” survey by the pollster IPSOS. Almost a third of respondents said that transgender people have a mental illness or that they are committing a sin.
Making transgender and genderqueer people fit into binary gender categories promotes heteronormativity and supports “genital-centered” romantic relationships, said Alexander. Such beliefs make it very hard for transgender people to start dating someone, both online and in real life, he added.
“We come across messages like, ‘Oh, you are a dude. Never mind,’ when that’s not how it is,” said Morgan Curtis, 32, a transgender woman. “It’s how I identify. That’s not who I am.”
Perhaps the hardest time for a trans person to date is the time of their transition, which might take years of hormones and many surgeries. That often becomes too confusing for potential partners, both in real life and online.
“When trans people are coming to their personhood, they're dating these women who identify as lesbian, or straight,” Alexander said. “A lot of trans people still attempt to date in that same dating pool. Transition completely changes it, because for the lesbian women, a lot of times we [trans men] are too much man, right? And then for the straight women, we're not enough [man].”
Some transgender people, who already went through their transition and look “masculine enough,” or “feminine enough,” still need to disclose to a date that they were assigned a different gender at birth. And if they did not have a bottom surgery yet, they would eventually need to share that they have a different set of genitals than one might expect.
“My name is Lucky, right?” said Alexander. “And I appear to be a businessman. But then those conversations are necessary: I have to disclose that I am a transman and that I may not have all the [body] parts [people] assume I have.”
After full disclosure, some relationships may end.
“It all depends on that body part that we don't have, or we do have, said Alexander. “It works not in our favor either way.”
Transgender and genderqueer people believe that allowing users to choose the gender of their potential match would let them meet only those people who are truly interested in them.
“It’s so, so, so simple,” said Salagan. Let people identify who they are, he argues. “And then let them check the boxes, one, or two, or three, with genders of people they are interested in.”
VI. Grindr - is it really inclusive?
Some gender-expansive users find Grinder and OkCupid to be among the are dating apps that have managed to adjust their algorithms to make them feel welcomed.
Grindr, created as a dating app for men seeking men, now allows people to either choose their gender from 10 default options or type their identity themselves.
“I like the fact that they are trans-inclusive and it gives you the option of stating your gender identity, stating that you're part of the trans community,” said Curtis. “And I think that is beneficial.”
In its 2.0 version, which debuted in September 2013, Grindr also introduced Grindr Tribes, a function that allows users to identify themselves with terms often-times used by gay men and not always related to their gender or sexual identity. Grindr Tribes include Bear, Clean-cut, Daddy, Discreet, Geek, Jock, Leather, Otter, Poz, Rugged, Trans and Twink.
Urban Dictionary defines a bear as a term used by gay men to describe “a husky, large man with a lot of body hair.” An otter is “a gay man who is very hairy all over his body, but is smaller in the frame.” Clean-cut and rugged are ways men usually groom. Poz is a term for those who are HIV positive.
One of the tribes is Trans. With a specifically dedicated tribe, trans people, including transvestites and drag queens, have their own search category and can be searched by and meet people who are interested in them.
However, the Trans tribe is the only tribe that refers to gender identity. And since Grindr does not provide gender as one of the search filters, gender-expansive people could be found only if they define their tribe as Trans.
“Grindr operates under the assumption that its users are cisgender men (who do not need to list their gender), and if they are not, then they are Trans,” wrote Luke Gardner in his opinion piece for Wussy, a queer magazine. “This positions Transgender people as “the other,” and also automatically genders everyone else on the site.”
Strange does not feel like she, a non-binary person, fits in any Grindr tribe. She is not of interest to most gay men who are looking for other men, as Strange is not “masculine enough” for them, she says. Nor is she interesting to people seeking transwomen, as Strange is not “feminine enough” for them.
Moreover, Grindr users with no paid subscription can choose only one tribe for themselves, which leaves all gender expansive people with an opportunity to express themselves only in terms of their gender, but not their appearance, role in the relationships, or HIV status.
“Listing the identity category “Trans” with other categories related to sexual behavior and physical appearance serves to group all Transgender individuals together,” wrote Gardner, “as if they have something physically or sexually in common because of their gender identity, which is, simply put, bullshit.”
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Grinder users have an opportunity to identify their gender (top) and choose the tribe (bottom) they belong to / Screenshots of Grinder pages
VII. The app that did it: OkCupid
Creating a profile on OkCupid takes the longest out of all dating apps. Users have to answer a couple of dozen questions not only about their identity, lifestyle, world views and interests, but also about the traits their “ideal” people would possess.
“We ask users thousands of questions,” said Michael Kaye, Global Communications Manager for OkCupid, in an interview, “about everything from their dating and sexual preferences, to their views on climate change, health-care, gun-control and other cultural, political and social issues to better match people on what matters to them.”
OkCupid has 13 orientation options and 22 gender options for users to choose from. The main difference between the app and other apps, from the perspective of transgender and nonbinary people, is that it allows users not only to identify themselves, but also choose the genders of people they are looking for, or choose an option “I’m open to everyone.”
Marie Lewis, 49, is a transfeminine demi-girl, a nonbinary person on the more feminine side of a gender spectrum. Lewis prefers the gender-neutral pronouns they and them. Online dating experience has changed and became way more stressful for Lewis since February 2019, when they started gender transition.
Lewis tried most of the prominent dating apps: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Grindr. These apps are lacking tools for proper gender identification and don’t allow to search for people of different genders, said Lewis.
Except for one app. Lewis has used OkCupid since 2005 and has seen it growing more and more inclusive. Lewis feels that the app meets all of the LGBTQ community’s needs.
“It's got a very, very detailed list of options for gender and sexual orientation,” Lewis said.
Lewis usually searches for feminine or androgynous non-binary people. OkCupid is perfectly suited for such a specific search. Users can choose many different genders of people to look for, including androgynes, gender nonconforming, non-binaries and anyone whose gender is not listed.
OkCupid, as well as Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, asks users if they want to be included in searches for men or for women. However, OkCupid has an option to exclude straight people from a user’s search and be excluded from theirs.
“Honestly, [that’s] why I went with you guys over any other dating site/service,” Shane, an LGBTQ person who uses all pronouns, wrote in a comment on an OkCupid tweet with a screenshot of the function, “I don’t want to see or be seen by straight people.”
OkCupid says it’s worked with the LGBTQ community and organizations, such as GLBTQ Legal Advocates and Defenders (GLAD), on improving its inclusiveness. Last year, the app pioneered allowing users to choose their preferred pronouns and display them on a profile.
OkCupid provides users an opportunity to choose their gender identity from the list of 13 choices / Screenshot of the app
“Pronouns now appear right along with the other critical attributes that make you who you are, including your gender and sexual orientation,” reads the OkCupid announcement from September 2018. OkCupid added that it believes having space in a profile to indicate one’s pronoun is crucial for sharing individuality and forming “meaningful relationships with deep human connections.”
The app also launched a set of profile questions tailored specifically for LGBTQ members this October, for LGBT History Month. Users have an opportunity to share their experience of coming out, their feelings about their identity and whether they faced any discrimination within the LGBTQ community. Other questions include, “Would you commit long-term to someone of the same sex?”, “Do you consider it cheating to hook up with the opposite sex?” and “Do you mind straight people being at LGBTQ+ bars?”.
“On OkCupid, we have a very healthy presence of LGBTQA+ community on our app,” said Kaye. “Over the last year alone, over 17% of users identified as LGBTQA+. More and more people within the community choose to join our app.”
Still, transgender and genderqueer people have a long way ahead of them to be fully accepted by society. And it’s not only about dating apps, said Curtis.
“The most important thing is to try to open people's eyes to how our community isn't just trying to fool someone, or pull the wool over someone's eyes,” she said. “This is our life. And we are being genuine, authentic and true.”
VOCABULARY
TINDER TRIBES
This glossary contains definitions of the terms used to talk about one’s gender identity or sexual orientation, as well as some specific slang words mostly used within the LGBTQ community.
One’s core sense of being a woman, man, some of both, or neither, which does not always correspond to their sex at birth.
Gender Identity
Refers to a person whose gender identity does not match one’s assigned sex at birth. Transgender people may or may not decide to match their gender identity by altering their bodies with hormones or surgery.
Transgender (short “trans”)
Refers to people whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth.
Cisgender
(short “cis”)
Refers to people who identify as a combination of man and woman, neither man or woman, or both man and woman, or someone who believes that gender can change throughout a lifetime.
Genderqueer
The societal or cultural belief that there are only two distinct, opposite, and disconnected genders, men and women.
Gender binary
An umbrella term covering any gender identity or expression that does not fall into binary categories of gender; neither woman nor man.
Nonbinary gender
Describes people whose gender expression and identity are beyond what are thought to be gender norms in their society.
Gender expansive, or gender nonconforming
A societal belief that only gender binary and heterosexuality are normal, or that sexual and marital relations are appropriate only between people of the opposite sex.
Heteronormativity
Describes people who identify as either lacking gender or being gender-neutral. Usually, agender identity falls under the nonbinary, genderqueer, or transgender umbrellas.
Agender
Describes people who have the characteristics of both male and female.
Androgynous
Refers to people who either identify as two genders at the same time or switch between genders over time.
Bigender
Refers to people with no fixed gender expression or identity, often with changing interests and behaviors.
Gender fluid
Refers to a traditional South Asian third-gender role, often adopted by eunuchs (castrated males), who dress up as women. Hijras are acknowledged both in Hindu and Muslim cultures.
Hijras
Refers to people born with sexual characteristics, such as chromosomes, genitals, or sex hormones, that are not typical for a female or male body.
Intersex
A non-binary gender identity of a person who experiences various genders, or all genders.
Pangender or omnigender, or polygender
A transgender person who was assigned female sex at birth but identifies as a man.
Trans man
A transgender person who was assigned male sex at birth but identifies as a woman.
Trans woman
Refers to people who were assigned female sex at birth but identify more male than female.
Transmasculine
Refers to people who were assigned male at birth but identify more female than male.
Transfeminine
Refers to people whose gender identity is different from the sex assigned to them at birth and who would like to realign their gender with medical intervention.
Transsexual
A culturally distinct gender among many Native American and Canadian First Nations indigenous groups. It unifies many mixed gender roles, including wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women.
Two-Spirit
A husky, large gay man with a lot of body hair.
Bear
Refers to a guy with short combed hair, clean-shaven face, well dressed, and having a healthy diet.
Clean - Cut
A guy who might be older and play a more dominant position in a relationship or provide financial support to a partner.
Daddy
Fourth list item. Add your own content here or connect to data from your collection.
Discreet
Usually a person who has deep knowledge in the technology field, but doesn’t always has good social skills.
Geek
An athletic man, sometimes preoccupied with his appearance, who loves sports and spends a lot of time in the gym.
Jock
Slang that usually refers to gay men who practice BDSM in their relationships.
Leather
A gay man who has a lot of body hair, but is much smaller in frame and weight than a bear.
Otter
A term common within the gay community to refer to HIV-positive people.
Poz
A young, boyish-looking gay man, usually 18 to 22 years old, without body hair and often blonde.
Twink
Refers to a person who does not consume alcohol.
Sober